Parenting with Purpose: A Guide to Win- Episode 35

Gigi continues exploring the book Togetherness: Couples Living Life Better and this time she dives into the topic of parenting.   Specifically, how you know that you’ve won- accomplished the goal of raising successful children.   Success in the things that truly matter.  If you are parent, grandparent, or hope-to-be parent you will want to listen til the end for the coaching tips on selecting the perfect mate!  Parenting truly is the most important job you will ever fulfill!  

Resources Mentioned:

 Scriptures:

Hebrews 12:5-10 

Luke 15:11-31

Proverbs 111:10

 Togetherness: Couples Living Life Better Together by Wil Lake

 Suggested Worship Songs- “The Blessing” by Elevation Worship

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Transcript

Aloha ladies. Welcome Back.

I find it fitting that this week's session deals with parenting- which is precisely God's intended consequence of sex in marriage—creating other little humans that are made in the image of God. This is exactly what the sixth (6th) session of Wil Lake's book Togetherness: Couples Living Life Better Together discusses- "Parenting Together."

Considering this book is a marriage Bible study, Wil Lake discusses parenting in surprising depth. The chapters dedicated to this topic far exceed some of the others! Today, I'm going to cover only some of the content. Primarily, I want to focus on the goals of parenting. If you are married and either have or want to have children, shouldn't you want to have a goal in mind and not just to make sure they "survive" into adulthood?

Wil Lake does a beautiful job of giving practical advice in this department after successfully raising four kids despite making plenty of mistakes and learning as they went. I could relate as my husband and I were super young when we had our daughter, and honestly, we didn't have a clue, let alone set any goals, and made so many mistakes that it is a miracle our daughter turned out as well as she did! But we were blessed with a pretty easy child- she was honest to a fault, obedient and disciplined, and except for a few issues in her teen years, she was an absolute delight to parent! I wish we had this knowledge all those years ago, as some things would have been much easier with much less heartache.

So, if you are a parent or grandparent, you will want to listen until the end, especially to hear the coaching advice for spouse selection!

Okay, the author lists four (4) areas of "WINS." That if you get these right, you've won as a parent, and your children will be off to a great start in life. 

And I could agree more! 

The first WIN: Your children know Jesus. They've accepted Him as their Savior and made Him their Lord. They have the Holy Spirit living inside them, hear God's voice, and want to obey His word—this is the ultimate prescription for a healthy life. This can be achieved when the parents first model it. Children see their parents reading the Bible, praying, attending church, and submitting themselves to spiritual authority. Children also learn this through discipline - by learning to obey their parents first and have rebellion removed from their hearts. I like the way the author described "rebellion." He says- "rebellion is the worship of our own opinion over God's opinion- our will- our way- over God's.  The remedy- discipline which is in fact Biblical- Hebrews 12:5-10 says :

"And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says,

"My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline,

and do not lose heart when he rebukes you,

6 because the Lord disciplines the one he loves,

and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son." [a]

7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? 8 If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. 9 Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! 10 They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness."

The failure to discipline will have lasting ramifications! 

The second WIN is that your children become your friends in adulthood. Eventually, if done right, you will "parent less" and become more of a mentor, companion, and friend. This friendship process begins by allowing them more freedom to decide for themselves. This can be challenging, especially when your children are heading down the wrong path. Sometimes, it hurts, and you want to shield and spare your children from harm and heartache, but there will be times when it is necessary to allow them to suffer the consequences of bad choices! Even if your children make decisions that go against God's word- we need to be like that Father in the Parable of the Prodigal Son found in Luke 15:11-31. The father allowed his disrespectful son to take his inheritance early, skip town, and blow it all on the party lifestyle. Yet, the Father waited patiently for his son to return. He extended grace and forgiveness and celebrated that his son finally came to his senses and returned home. Just like when we choose the wrong path, God still loves us, patiently waits for us to come to our senses, and then welcomes us home again! Prayer is always crucial, and trusting that the Lord will deal with your children in the right way and at the right time is pivotal!

Along this same vein, WIN number three (3) is that your children make wise decisions. Yes, most parents want their children to be successful in every area of life- to be happy, healthy, and prosperous. To have a better life than we had and avoid our mistakes. This is an admirable dream, but children will leave home and will inevitability face many challenges and struggles. That's why the most significant thing you can do is teach them the value of wisdom! Not surprisingly, wisdom is referenced 220 times in the Bible and it comes in three forms:

1. From God found in His word.

2. Learning from others (reading, classes, seminars, workshops, church, mentors, experts/preachers on podcasts (like this one!).

3. Wisdom comes from making mistakes!

It's better if we learn from the first two- but, man, most of us all end up having to learn the hard way! I know I did!  

Helping your children in this area begins with their relationship with God. It is instrumental to have them in a church community with a great kids and youth program. I truly believe this is one of the reasons my daughter turned out so well- we had her in an incredible youth ministry. Children also learn wisdom by watching their parents- seeing where they gain knowledge and insight to make wise decisions- let them hear you talk about God and how much He has done in your life. Proverbs 111:10 says, "The fear of the Lord is the foundation of true wisdom; all who obey his commands will grow in wisdom!"

Furthermore, helping your children select good friends will be essential! Under the age of ten, you should choose their close friends—children who respect authority, obey their parents, get along with others, have a positive attitude, and share your family values. Things get tricky between the ages of ten and thirteen—this is when friends who don't share your values can bulldoze your child's faith. This is the age at which exposure to pornography and inappropriate movies typically takes place. I know that when our daughter was this age, she wasn't allowed to watch any movies at someone else's home unless we approved them first. This didn't always go over well, and at least once, she had to come home early from a sleepover because we wouldn't allow her to watch the movies their parents had rented for them! 

Now, the ages of fourteen to eighteen are the biggest challenge, but this is when you have to get tough because the same principles of protecting and guiding your children remain the same as they were before, except now the consequences are more dire- sex, drugs, rebellion, criminal activity, you name it!  Each family will be different and set forth different perimeters for their teenagers, but here are a few examples:

1. Before teens are allowed to go to the house of someone their parents don't know, parents must meet that person first.

2. No spending the night at a house the parents haven't approved of first.

3. Mom and Dad both have access to all electronic devices and accounts- gaming, phone/mobile devices, computers, iPads, etc. —and your children know you will be monitoring them.

4. Implement "do not disturb" hours to limit their time spent on devices and eliminate sensitive hours, especially between bedtime and morning—no chatting, surfing the internet, etc., when they should be sleeping! (Much like that old rule—nothing good happens after midnight—the same applies here!)

5. Consider no computers or TVs in the bedroom. AT ALL.

6. Lastly, no dating relationships are allowed until after high school.

I know this sounds strict, but trust me, it is far better to be safe than sorry. Nowadays, you have pedophiles and sexual predators impersonating teens through video games and social media accounts- a parent can't be too careful! Not to mention all the things that come along with immaturity and sexual relations- pre-marital sex, teen pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases, rape, and heartbreak.

This takes us to WIN # 4—marrying the right person! This one is huge because it carries lifetime consequences and impacts future generations! The moment you know you are pregnant, that's when you begin praying for God to send the right spouse! Only He knows exactly who that perfect person will be!  But we must do our part to help our children, while they are still in your home, develop and implement a strategy to set them on the right path.

One big mistake parents of teenagers make is allowing, promoting, and even instigating romantic relationships for their children while they are still in high school. Emotionally, financially, and morally, they aren't ready for serious romance.

Instead, we should encourage them to focus on learning, growing, experiencing (age-appropriate activities), and having the freedom to be friends and develop relationships with both sexes. Serious dating should be reserved for those who are actually at an age when they could legally marry. The big idea here is that you want your children to have a mature perspective on marriage at a young age so they can see through culture's lies about young love and sexual hookups before marriage.

Honestly, I wish we had been stricter with our daughter and not allowed dating at all in high school as she went through an abusive relationship with a young man who verbally and physically abused her!  The one thing we did right was stress sex was reserved for marriage explaining to our daughter the mistakes we made and the lasting negative consequences we suffered and at the age of thirteen (13) my husband had a special “promise”  or “purity ring” made wherein the ring symbolized his commitment as her dad to continue to show her how she should expect to be treated by her future husband and her vow in return was that she promised she would keep herself pure until her marriage.

I absolutely love that the author provides a list of characteristics that apply to both men and women in what a perfect spouse should be and he suggests it should be discussed beginning in high school—effectively planting the seeds and helping to coach and mentor your child into what that "right mate" should look like:

·      "They should love Jesus passionately.

·      They should be committed and involved in a strong local church.

·      They should exhibit mature characteristics, like honesty, caring for others, and kindness to others.

·      They are not given to bouts of anger or moodiness, nor are they clingy or possessive.

·      They should be fun, have a positive attitude, and are motivated to accomplish something in life.

·      They should share spiritual dreams, financial dreams, and dreams of future children. Being aligned in these three areas builds a solid foundation for a good marriage.

The author also talked about the importance of activation.  

·      Encouraging our daughters to look for men who proactively pursue them. The logic is that if a young man sees a girl he wants and pursues her, then he'll also be willing to pursue a career, a ministry, and the material things that he wants.  Willing to do the work. 

·      Encouraging our sons to actively pursue a young woman they want to start dating. There is something about a young man who "mans up" and goes after what he wants. This translates not just to his future spouse but to all aspects of his life. If the woman is playing hard to get, then get a plan in place to overcome and wear her defenses down. Fight for her. Don't give up until you know for sure she's not interested. I'm not talking about stalking and annoying her, just pursuing gently until it's clear. Be a gentleman, and if she doesn't respond, then move on. But you never know until you try, and sometimes you have to try more than once.  *this one is a good one as my husband did just that – pursued me and put me above everyone and everything else.  

 And lastly, teaching our children it's okay to be attracted to someone physically, but there is so much more to a person than meets the eye.

Helping your grown kids find their spouse is a huge! Our job, really, is to train them to pick a potential mate before they leave our homes and before they meet them. Once they are out of high school and of marrying age, then it's up to them. Hopefully, they will filter all that they learned from you over the years and show enough wisdom and good judgment to actually date the right people."

Lake, Wil. Togetherness: Couples Living Life Better Together (p. 161-162). WestBow Press. Kindle Edition.

Ladies, we could go on for hours discussing strategies for raising successful children. Just remember to speak words of life and encouragement over your children, be intentional in spending quality time with them, discipline them when needed, AND be consistent- the moment you threaten something and then don't follow through - you're done, and you've lost your credibility.  But also, allow your children to make mistakes and experience failure- always encouraging them to do their best and to try again, and finally when disappointments come- love your children anyway. You can express your disappointments, yet- love them unconditionally, and pray for them without ceasing. Because the prayers of the righteous avail much, and the prayers of a mama or papa go on forever!

Parenting truly is the most important job you will ever do, and when done together—husbands and wives—united with biblical strategies, you can't go wrong.