How to Strength Your Marriage and Fight the Good Fight- Episode 33

Gigi dives into session four of the Togetherness study.  Uncovering why conflicts arise in marriage, the weapons we should never use in battle, and how to resolve conflict in such a way that marriages are stronger for it.  Your spouse is not the enemy and reconciliation is possible!   

Resources Mentioned:
Scriptures:

James 4:1-3 

1 Corinthians 13:5

James 1:19

 (Book)- Togetherness: Couples Living Life Better Together by Wil Lake

 Suggested Worship Songs- “Champion” by Bethel Music 

To Stay Connected:

Follow Gigi In Hawaii- The Tiny Spark Erupts on Apple Podcast & Spotify. Or click on this podcast RSS feed link and share with your favorite ladies in whatever way works best for you!

Sharing, following, liking, and positive reviews are the easiest ways you can join me as ambassadors and shine the love and light to others! Mahalo!

Transcript

Aloha Ladies. Welcome back.

 Let's Get Ready to Rumble!!!!    But in a good way.   Yes, ladies, it is legal to fight in marriage, and it can be a really good thing- when it's done correctly, it can strengthen our marriages. That's what we will cover today in our fourth (4th) session of Wil Lake's book Togetherness: Couples Living Life Better Together,  and that’s fighting together!

 I love that this Bible study meets this topic head-on and reveals that fighting or conflicts in marriage are normal. It is far better to address them and not ignore them, deny them, or falsely believe that arguments are bad and should be avoided at all costs. Don’t believe the lie that says a "good Christian" doesn't have conflicts! No, we are all imperfect people living in an imperfect world, and it isn’t healthy to bottle up our emotions, disappointments, and frustrations. In fact, the worst thing we can do is stuff them away because bitterness and resentment will take root in our hearts and marriages.   

 Do you know that Scripture discusses why we have conflicts and how best to address them?

 James 4:1-3 says: 

 “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet, but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.”

 Here, we see the roots or the whys behind the conflict.    

1) It’s our self-centered desires & passions;

2) It's our discontentment-  our tendency to covet the things that we don't have (the grass is always greener somewhere else mentality); 

3) It's our unmet expectations caused by poor communication. Just like in verse 2—we do not have because we do not ask God—expectations in marriage often go unmet because we simply haven't vocalized our requests to our spouse.  We have failed to ask- failed to ask our spouse, and therefore, we do not have.   

4). Finally, conflicts can arise because of wrong motivations. Let's face it: no one likes to feel manipulated, pressured, forced, or guilted into anything.   

Ultimately, we fight because we want it our way – always.   

And many marriages fail because it comes down to an attitude of “my way or the highway.”  

 So, when conflict arises- what happens in most marriages?    

The gloves come off, instincts kick in, and we come out swinging… 

 I really appreciated the author spending time listing the different ways we hurt one another  - the weapons (if you will) that we have at our disposal and use when we battle especially with our spouse.   Things like blaming, accusing, lying, insulting, labeling, exaggerating (that’s using those "you always" or "you never" remarks,) invalidating, yelling, rehashing the past, and even physical violence.  The author strongly cautions that we should lock all these things away and never bring them out in our marital disputes.   Because they do far more harm than good and can leave some nasty scars.   Instead, we are called to be mindful and to exercise self-control.   

 After reading over this list, I took it to my husband, and we went over each one to have an honest conversation about whether we've ever used any of these tactics.  I hate to admit that we most definitely have. But, there were two positive things that we took away from the conversation.    First proof positive that we can change for the better as we both agreed that I "used to"  use the weapon of dredging up the past, and I don't do it anymore.   It took me a long time to master this temptation. To understand that bringing up the past doesn’t bring anything positive to the argument.  Fighting should be about the present, finding a solution to the current problem, and looking towards the future. Revisiting the negative in the past is simply counterproductive. Just as God doesn't hold our past over our heads, we shouldn't hold past failures over our spouses. This is 1 Corinthians 13:5-  "love keeps no record of wrongs."    

 The other positive was discussing the differences between yelling and screaming versus a raised voice. There is a distinction.   Now, I come from a loud family, and I raise my voice when I get passionate about something.    Many times, my husband interprets this as me "yelling."   To which I'm quick to reply- "I'm not yelling. I can certainly show you if you'd like to see me yelling."   The next thing you know, we are arguing about whether I'm actually yelling.  Here, the author discusses when a raised voice turns into yelling and screaming.   That’s when it crosses the line, intended to dominate, and intimidate.   There is no more compromise, no more trying to understand and reach an agreement. No more listening.  It's just an all-out war.    

 We both realized that raising your voice isn't always a sign of disrespect, but it should be tempered to ensure it doesn't cross the line into the screaming category. Presently, we have a new understanding and perspective when it comes to the volume of our words.   

 Okay—now that we know why we fight and what we shouldn't be doing… let's look at "HOW to fight TOGETHER to win." How to resolve conflict in marriage in a way that strengthens it.   

 It's straight from Scripture in James 1:19: "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” 

 So let’s unpack these three (3) parts: 

 QUICK TO LISTEN—Here we go again, back to effective communication—being that active listener—living in the moment, not already formulating your position or response, and not bringing up the past. Instead, focus on the person talking with the goal of trying to understand and empathize! 

 Then, SLOW TO SPEAK.     Take time to carefully consider your words- the impact of your word choices.    Will they help or hurt the situation?    Are they any of those weapons that we shouldn’t be using words that blame, accuse, label, insult, exaggerate, or invalidate?   If they are- those are the ones you need to put back into the gun safe.     Because Matthew 12:36 warns us – "But I tell you that man will have to give an account on the day of judgment for EVERY CARELESS WORD THEY HAVE SPOKEN."    Words are powerful, and because they can build up or tear down, we must be cautious about how we use them!   

 And finally, be SLOW TO ANGER.    This is where self-control comes into play and keeping defensiveness in check!    Here's the thing- anger can be a good thing, but it needs to be understood and managed.   There is a good-kind of anger- righteous anger like that that stirred David to fight Goliath or Jesus to flip the tables in the temple-  good anger that addresses evil and injustice. Then there is marriage anger that is triggered by unmet expectations, lies, disappointments, disunity, financial mistrust, unfaithfulness, and insecurity.  This is the type of anger that needs to be managed to keep it from escalating to the point of physical violence and/or emotional scarring.   So, when you first recognize anger mounting, take a time-out, breathe deeply, spend time praying, and worship.    You will be amazed at what a difference God can make when you bring your emotions to Him.   How clarity and wisdom come to the surface. 

 But, there is also a fourth step to successful fighting: OFFERING & RECEIVING FORGIVENESS from both parties.  This was an "Ahh-Ha moment" for my husband and me- as we realized we'd never done this before.   Don't get me wrong, there have been times we've told each other we are sorry.   But that's just it- we told.   Telling isn't offering or receiving.     When you TELL someone you are sorry, nothing is expected of the other person.   But, when you ASK for forgiveness, a RESPONSE is expected.     Asking for forgiveness is powerful because it involves humbling yourself, admitting a wrong, and striving to make things right again.  This process honors God by effectively extending a pardon for a debt owed.  Just like the pardon we received when Christ paid our debts on the cross.     

 Just as asking for forgiveness is powerful- granting forgiveness is just as powerful because it is a heart response.  You can choose to forgive, or you can choose to stay angry, bitter, and hurt.  But know when you fail to forgive, it kills reconciliation and brings death to your relationship.    

 Marriage really is a lifetime of reconciliation-  giving and receiving forgiveness over and over again.   As Ruth Bell Graham once said- “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.”    

   Ladies:  Our spouse is not our enemy- Satan is. He wants to bring discord and disunity into our marriages. He wants us to be quickly offended, discontented, easily angered, and victimized.   Some of our greatest hurts will come from our spouses- some intentional and some unintentional.   However, as wise women, we need to recognize our true enemy, take control of our weapons and emotions, and be willing to offer and receive forgiveness.   Because we are better together, and to err is human, but to forgive is divine.